Superhero Spam
by Lord Raa
Summary: A collection of spamfics that I thought might amuse one or two people out there. Not for those that can't take a joke.
1. Can 1

Superhero Spam

By Lord Raa

Can 1

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: I do hope that you're not expecting literature here.

* * *

Shinji sat in the test entry plug, waiting for the Sync Test to finish.

For some reason Asuka and Rei had finished theirs quicker than his, not that he understood the technical aspects of the Eva units and their operation.

"Are we nearly done, Misato-san?" the Third Child whined.

"What? Oh yes, it's nearly over, Shinji," Misato said, snapping out of her daze.

Before the Captain could tell the pilot that the test was over, an electrical surge caused the console to spark. "Whoa!"

"Damn it! I thought I told them to install fuses in the systems here," Ritsuko shouted at the fried computer terminal.

After the circuit breakers were reset, Misato remembered that Shinji was still in the entry plug.

"Can we get Shinji out of there?" Misato asked her friend. "You know that he'll just whine if we keep him in there any longer than we have to."

"Yeah, let's get Whiney McCrybaby out of there, before he has a breakdown," Ritsuko sighed.

* * *

Inside the darkened test plug, Shinji was becoming unsettled. Normally if there was a problem, Misato or one of the others would tell him. Sometimes they'd even manage to give the bad news with a straight face.

"I have to get out of here soon, Misato said that it's my turn to cook tonight."

Actually that was a lie on the part of Shinji's guardian. It was her turn to cook tonight, but she was feeling a bit rough after the previous night's drinking.

Noticing that his ankle itched, Shinji reached down to scratch it. That was when he realised that something was wrong – he was able to touch his feet without bending down.

"AAARRGGGHH!" the angst ridden pilot screeched.

* * *

Outside the test rigs, Misato sighed.

"It looks like we're too late, Ritsuko."

"Damn," the blonde woman shook her head. "Why can't he be more like his father?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, stronger, more decisive and generally being more manly," Ritsuko elaborated.

"Oh," Misato nodded.

Ritsuko managed to get the hatch open before Shinji restarted his screaming fit.

"What's the matter, Shinji?"

"This," Shinji said in a panicky voice. He reached out and touched the blonde on the top of her head.

"Whoa," Misato whistled in amazement. "That's what, two metres?"

"2.25 meters," Ritsuko corrected. "Now why has that happened?"

"Don't ask me!" Shinji shrugged before getting out of the test plug. "I never asked to be like this!"

Ritsuko rolled her eyes at the whiney nature of the Commander's son.

* * *

As the trio walked to the infirmary for a closer analysis of the pilot's new condition, Misato had a naughty glint in her eye.

'I wonder if he can stretch other parts of his body," the purple haired captain mused. 'Perhaps I take this opportunity to make him manlier?'

Shinji was not liking this latest development in his life. He really hated his father; for abandoning him, taking him away from his nice, dull life, forcing him to pilot an experimental machine and turning him in a stretchy freak because of an accident at work.

'I can see that Misato-san hates me even more because of it,' he wrongly decided.

Upon entering the medical facility, Shinji was told to strip, much to his embarrassment.

"So then, Shinji, what parts of your body can you stretch?" Misato asked, becoming more interested in Shinji than she had since Asuka moved in a while ago.

"I don't know, let me see," Shinji said as he began manipulating his body.

First the pilot's legs started to become elongated before they returned to normal, then his torso was drawn out, like a piece of taffy.

Ritsuko, out of scientific interest poked the naked pilot in his distorted chest. "Hmm, it feels normal."

"Hey, Shinji," Misato grinned lecherously, "can you make yourself bigger?"

"What do you mean, Misato-san?" Shinji asked, confused by his roommates request.

"She means 'South of the Boarder', Shinji," Ritsuko explained. She wasn't too impressed with her friend's question, though she was curious herself.

For scientific reasons, you understand. She wasn't a pervert like Misato.

Though the bottle blonde was thinking that Shinji might be cute when she saw his manhood lengthen to 30 centimetres. Her opinion of Shinji was becoming significantly more positive when the bit her friend was most interested in suddenly acquired the circumference of soft drink can.

"MINE!"

Ritsuko blinked as the Tactical Operations Officer glomped her test subject. "Misato?"

"Hey, as Shinji's guardian, I have to make sure that he remains safe. Now find your own sex toy," Misato said, pulling out her pistol.

"That's not fair, you didn't think too highly of Shinji earlier," Ritsuko protested.

"You snooze, you lose. Shinji, let's go home. You've had a stressful day, so I'll get Asuka to sleep over at a friend's," Misato smiled as she gently stroked Shinji's chest.

"O-ok," Shinji gulped nervously.

* * *

The next day, Gendo Ikari was reviewing the report that Section Two placed on his desk.

"So it seems that the Third Child has proven popular with the ladies at last."

Ritsuko had protested when they had met up the night before, so it wasn't a huge surprise when he saw the document. Though he thought that the blonde woman was exaggerating when she mentioned the abilities until he saw the photos of his son's equipment.

"Impressive."

* * *

Don't expect this to be continued like the rest of my stories, this is just a bit of fun that was inspired by the "Shinji the Superhero" stories that seemed to have cropped up.

No pre-reader was used in the writing of this fic, as I was writing it lunchtime and my pre-reader lives in another time zone.

If you want more, than you know what to do.

PS, Sausages, It was a Tuesday is still being written. It's just that I've run into a minor block at the moment.


	2. Can 2

Superhero Spam

By Lord Raa

Can 2

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: BOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOO!"

In this one, I ask the question "what if it was Rei that got the power up from the accident?"

* * *

Rei was pondering a number of things that were going on in her life as she sat in a test entry plug. First off there was the Third Child, someone that had tried to become friends with her, something that the Second had also tried.

But for some reason, Rei felt that friendship with the younger Ikari would prove to be more fulfilling.

Before Rei could consider how to deal with Shinji, the lights went out in the test plug.

"That was unexpected," the blue haired pilot noted.

Rei tried to contact Dr. Akagi, but all the power seemed to have been cut to the testing area. Frowning slightly, she decided to spend this quiet time thinking about her fellow pilot, Shinji.

'I wonder what it would be like to observe him away from the others,' Rei mused, bringing a hand to her face to move her hair out of her eyes.

Looking at the appendage in question, Rei noticed that her hand seemed to be slightly translucent.

"Most odd. I wonder if this is a hallucination resulting from a bizarre accident with the LCL."

Focusing on becoming visible, the First Child's hand slowly became more opaque until it reached the point when she was sure that she was back to normal.

"Perhaps this is not a delusion. Perhaps I can become more than partially transparent," Rei said to herself, a though occurring to her.

Rei turned her focus to becoming completely invisible and after a few moments, she was able to look down the sleeve of her plugsuit.

"Interesting. However, I am at a loss for finding suitable clothing that would enable me to use this strange new power to maximum effect. That is if I am not hallucinating."

Upon hearing the hatch starting to open, Rei turned herself back to what she considered normal.

"Are you ok, Rei?" Misato asked the Commander's favourite pilot.

"I am fine," Rei answered. "Are the other pilots uninjured?"

"They're fine," Ritsuko said, helping the blue haired pilot onto the walkway.

"May I shower now?"

"Yes, we'll be looking into what caused the power surge," Ritsuko nodded.

* * *

Rei walked with her normal pace to the locker rooms, wondering if her exposure to LCL combined with the stress of piloting Eva was taking its toll on her mind. She passed the men's changing area and heard the sounds of running water.

'Now would be an ideal time to test my hypothesis. If I am mistaken, then I can use excuse that I heard Ikari-kun slip in the shower.'

Rei slipped into the shower room and quickly undressed. Taking a deep breath, Miss Ayanami focused on allowing the light to pass through her.

Looking down at her body, Rei deigned herself to be suitably unnoticeable and walked towards the male pilot.

* * *

Shinji stood, allowing the hot water to cascade over his tired frame. He turned around to wash the LCL off his back, only thinking about what to make for that evening's meal when he felt something cold on his face.

Eyes snapping open, Shinji scanned the room, hoping to find someone there. With the steam obscuring much of his field of vision, the young Ikari called out. "Is anyone there?"

Rei managed not to panic at her semi-discovery and backed off, still keeping her translucent state. She was now confident that her mental state was not deteriorating as she had feared and allowed herself a smiled as she gathered her clothes and entered the ladies' shower area.

* * *

That night, Rei lay awake in her bed, deciding whether or not to tell the Commander about her day's discoveries.

'He will probably demand that I no longer use it to observe Ikari-kun,' Rei reasoned. 'Commander Ikari has never considered his son to be more than an embarrassment. I will gather the necessary evidence to convince him otherwise.'

Rei smiled as she drifted off to sleep, her mind going over potential plans to observe Shinji using her newfound invisibility.

* * *

The next day, Rei paid Shinji a visit at home, though she was forced to sneak in with the other pilots.

The azure haired pilot noted that Shinji's efforts to keep the filth at bay were being hampered by his other two roommates. Misato's hindrance through drunken behaviour, Asuka's through spite.

And that funny looking penguin of Misato's didn't seem too innocent either.

Continuing her passive search, Rei looked in the bedrooms. She was not surprised to see Misato's covered in dirty laundry and Asuka's with more personal belongings than Rei could see a point to. What was interesting to the First was Shinji's room. The so-called "lovely suite".

After sliding open the door, Rei started to root through Shinji's meagre collection of possessions, her need for caution replaced with the need for finding Shinji's secrets.

'What is it Ikari-kun spends his free time doing?'

Then Rei saw the cello. 'Ikari-kun is a musician. I will ask him to perform for me.'

Outside Shinji's room Rei heard two voices.

"Could you be any more worthless, Shinji?" the shrill voice of the Second Child demanded.

"I'm not worthless," Shinji insisted.

"Please, you can't even keep this dump tidy!"

"But if you helped," Shinji started to protest, but saw the redhead's death glare. Not wanting to visit the doctor that evening, he sighed in defeat and entered his room.

"Yeah, you run, you wimp," Asuka mocked before turning to the kitchen for a drink.

* * *

Sitting on his bed, Shinji's depression started to come back.

"Why does Asuka hate me?" he asked the seemingly empty room. "I know that Rei doesn't like me, why should she? But at least she doesn't treat me like this."

'Ikari-kun's mental state is degrading worse than the reports suggested. I must keep watch over him to ensure that his ability to pilot is not compromised.'

* * *

The following morning, Rei walked to school as normal. She noticed that the other Eva pilots were "having a discussion" about something.

"Baka, can't you do anything right?"

"Hey bitch, leave Shinji alone," Touji defended his friend.

"Bite me, Monkey Boy!"

"I'd rather not, I might catch something nasty," Suzuhara countered quickly.

The sound of a fist impacting with a face silenced all further comments from Shinji and his friends.

'I make that violent maniac pay for embarrassing Ikari-kun,' Rei decided. 'Perhaps my new ability will help me. And then I can use it properly observe Ikari-kun.'

Rei's face acquired a smile at the thought of watching Shinji's most candid moments, especially after seeing him in the shower the day before.

'I believe that I can miss a day or two of school to ensure an appropriate measure of justice is served.'

* * *

Later, in the pilot's first lesson, Shinji truthfully answered the teacher about the whereabouts of Rei Ayanami – he hadn't seen her since before yesterday.

Asuka managed to refrain from making a snide remark about Shinji and his "Wonderdoll", though the observing Angel hybrid noticed that the redhead was thinking up some unpleasant comment.

Upon being called on to write the answer to a question on the blackboard, Asuka's skirt was flipped up, revealing her underwear to the class.

"What the hell?" the arrogant girl demanded.

"No one touched you, Asuka," the class rep insisted.

"Hmm," Asuka frowned, looking over the class. 'Shinji sits away from me, as do his idiot friends. No one else is brave enough to touch me since this morning. So who was it?'

"Miss Sohryu, if you're ready to answer the question," the teacher said, holding out a piece of chalk.

"Right," Asuka took the chalk and began to write the answer on the board.

Taking this as a prime opportunity to further humiliate the egotistical pilot, Rei gently lifted the hem of Asuka's skirt to reveal her floral patterned panties.

Asuka turned around when she heard sniggers from the class. Being suspicious of some of her more perverted peers, she checked her appearance, but saw nothing out of the ordinary.

"What are you laughing at?" the displeased redhead demanded.

"Nothing, Asuka," Shinji replied. His response was marred by the blush on his face.

"I thought so. Anyway, this is the answer."

* * *

At recess, Asuka was the topic of discussion, though it was not in the way she would have liked.

The rumours that were currently doing the rounds were not flattering to say the least. One of them was that Asuka was "showing her goods to the highest bidder" while another suggested that the redhead "got her rocks off by flashing people, both boys and girls."

The third was more disturbing – that she was flirting with the elderly teacher.

The bespectacled boy that hinted at that possibility found himself waking up in the nurse's office with a black eye.

Rei knew that the Second Child would need to be punished further, since Asuka had directed a barrage of abuse towards her newfound found friend.

Abuse the included a sharp punch to the stomach and a trip to the nurse's office to accompany his friend, Kensuke.

* * *

As Shinji slept in the school's medical facility, Rei was continuing her vengeful and ninja-esque antics. This time, she snuck into the room where Shinji was resting and she removed his boxer shorts.

'I am glad that I can observe Ikari-kun in such a manner,' Rei thought saucily. A second thought occurred to the blue haired wraith. 'If I incapacitate Ikari-kun, then I can further implicate Pilot Sohryu in this incident.'

And so, Rei tied Shinji to the bed and left him, exposed to the world at large.

* * *

The school nurse, Reiko Tanaka, entered her office with a cup of coffee. Her attention was attracted by the muffled sounds of struggle coming from behind the screen.

"What's going on there?" she asked as she pulled the screen back. "Shinji-kun?"

"MMAGHHARGH!" was all Shinji could reply.

"Why are you half naked?"

"MMAGHHMM!"

Removing the gag from the pilot's mouth, she waited for an answered.

"I don't know, I remember Asuka hitting me and then I woke up like this," Shinji insisted.

"Where is your underwear, Shinji-kun?" Ms. Tanaka asked, trying not to spend too much time eying Shinji's naughty bits.

"I don't know."

* * *

Elsewhere in the school, Asuka was yet again disgraced when a pair of boxer shorts was discovered on her desk.

"I don't know how they got there!" the irate girl adamantly protested her innocence.

"Whose are they?" a voice from the back called out.

"I don't know, I'm not touching them," Asuka said, stepping away from the article in question.

The door to the classroom opened, and Reiko Tanaka entered.

"Shinji Ikari has been attacked. Someone has stolen his underwear, and possibly his virtue," the nurse explained. "What's that on that desk?"

"Boxer shorts," Hikari answered.

"Who do they belong to?" Reiko asked, stepping towards the errant garment.

"We don't know no one will touch them."

"Give them here," Reiko snatched them up. "There's a name in here. Shinji Ikari."

* * *

And I think I'll end it there.

In case any of you were wondering, I was semi inspired by the forthcoming Fantastic Four movie. Shinji was Mr. Fantastic and Rei here was the Invisible Woman.

Who is next to gain meta-talents?

You'll just have to wait and see.

Until laterer comes


	3. Can 3  Bitesize!

Superhero Spam

By Lord Raa

Can 3

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: Flaps is one of the best words in the English language.

I'm serious. And if you are unsure as to why, then email me and I'll enlighten you.

This time, I'm only showing possibilities in small scenes, as they're not suited to longer pieces. At least in my opinion.

But what do I know about fanfiction?

* * *

"Sempai," Maya Ibuki, cute assistant to one of the smartest people in NERV asked.

"Yes, Maya," Dr. Akagi replied.

"Why does the commander wear tinted lenses inside?"

"Watch this," Ritsuko smiled.

The blonde scientist snuck up behind her boss and stole his glasses.

"ARGH! Give them back!" the bearded man shouted.

The Commander turned around, his eyes tightly closed. "Please, I need my glasses."

Ritsuko, feeling a little sadistic, poked the temporarily blind man in the ribs.

"Daargh!" Gendo yelped, opening his eyes and hitting an unsuspecting Fuyutsuki in the shoulder with a laser blast that originated from his eyes.

Ritsuko handed the distressed man his glasses back. "Sorry about that, Commander, but Maya asked why you wore the glasses."

"That's no excuse. Now Fuyutsuki will demand time off to recover," Gendo scolded the pair of giggling women.

"Sorry, sir."

* * *

Let's go back to Shinji gaining powers.

* * *

Shinji woke up in the NERV hospital. Again. Feeling sorry for himself, he gently got up from the bed.

After dressing quickly to avoid embarrassment when Misato picked him up, he made tidied the bed clothes out of habit.

Misato walked in with a smile on her face. "I see that you're ready to come home."

"Yes, Misato-san," Shinji forced a smile.

"Hey, you've not eaten all your dinner," Misato chided. "We're not going until you eat that banana."

Shinji sighed in defeat. As he swallowed the yellow skinned fruit, there was distinct change in his stature.

Shinji no longer had the slight build that Misato was familiar with, but he'd grown to a height of 1.9 metres. And his hospital gown had changed to a goofy looking yellow and blue superhero costume.

"Shinji?" Misato hesitantly asked.

"No, I am Bananaman!" the strong, yet slow-witted looking man introduced himself.

"Ok. And what do you want?" Misato asked, reaching for her gun.

"I'm not here to hurt you, madam. I'm here to fit injustice and villainy!"

Misato blinked. "Fair enough, but last time I checked, it takes more than a costume to fight crime."

"That it does, fair maiden. Observe!" Bananaman insisted as he easily lifted the bed to waist height. "I have the strength of 20 big men!"

Misato looked vaguely impressed as she saw the muscles in Bananaman's back tense.

"But that's not all," the costumed man informed the captain as he turned around. "I can fly!"

Jumping up, the fruit empowered individual started swimming in the air.

"That is impressive," Misato admitted.

"I must ask you to keep this secret, fair maiden. I do not wish to cause alarm for my other self."

"What the hell is that freak in tights doing here?" Asuka's shrill voice sounded from the doorway.

"I'm Bananaman!"

Asuka blinked before bursting out in laughter.

Seeing that he wasn't being taken serious, Bananaman flew out the window.

"That wasn't nice, Asuka," Misato scolded her female ward.

"What? Don't tell me that you like him," Asuka grimaced.

"He was very polite," Misato informed the redhead. "He called me a 'Fair Maiden' – twice!"

Asuka's laughter returned with a vengeance.

* * *

Was Bananaman too obscure for you? Well, then let's try this, slightly darker option…

* * *

Excerpt from the medical log of Dr. Ritsuko Akagi.

'Shinji returned from his otherworldly prison a changed man.

At a quick glance he seemed normal aside from his persistent lack of footwear, but it was when you scratched the surface that the changes became slightly more disturbing.

His internal organs had been changed dramatically. He no longer needed sustenance the same way the rest of the animals on the planet.

No, he needed to be in a city. Not only that, but if you were to take him out to a rural area, he'd become dizzy and as the time he spent away from urban environments increased, nausea and vomiting followed.

It was as if he was becoming "one with Tokyo-3". That is he knew about traffic levels. I'm pretty sure he was able to listen in on conversations and he knew when he was being followed.

Was, because he seemed to find out something he shouldn't have and the Commander had him terminated as a security risk.'

* * *

To be continued…?

Well, who knows?

Shinji as Jack Hawksmoor actually might make a good regular fic as you could make it as dark as you wanted. It all depends on what you want to be the origin of Jack's/Shinji's powers.

Does anybody out there want to take up the challenge? If so, contact me and we can work something out.

Next time… I think that I might make Shinji "Thinly Veiled Author Avatar Man".

Smile as he smacks some sense into Gendo!

Roll your eyes as he seduces the entire female cast of Eva!

Gag as he communicates with the Angels to resolve the situation in a non-violent manner!

Revisit your last meal as he solves everybody's problems with the minimum of fuss and to everybody's complete satisfaction!

Before anyone asks, Sausages, It was a Tuesday is still being written – it's just that the omake wants to be written first (again).

Until laterer comes.


	4. Can 4

Superhero Spam

By Lord Raa

Can 4

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: We are the thumbs on a stranger's hand 

This tinme, a return to an idea more popular than the Bananaman one.

* * *

Shinji stood up in his room, scratching the back of his head in bemusement. 

"Where could they have gone?" he asked the empty room.

Frowning slightly, he left to see if Misato had seen what he was looking for.

"Misato-san?" Shinji asked his guardian as she watched TV.

"Yes, Shinji?" the purple haired woman looked up at he roommate.

"Have you been in my room?"

Misato blinked. "Pardon?"

"Have you been in my room?" Shinji repeated. "I was about to do my laundry and I can't find some of my clothes."

Misato looked at Shinji. "I haven't been in your room, Shinji-kun. And I resent the implication that I'd hide your things like that."

"I didn't mean it like that," Shinji apologised. "I was just wondering if you'd seen my boxer shorts, I can't find them anywhere. It's as if they've been stolen"

Misato laughed. "I'm sorry, Shinji-kun, I truly am. It's just that it looks like we've got a panty thief on the loose."

"Are you missing any?" the pilot asked, hoping that Misato was mistaken.

"I don't know, let's check shall we, Shinji-kun?" the purple haired lovely switched the TV off and made her way to her room.

Upon opening the door, the two were treated to the spectacle of Misato's poor homemaking skills.

"Oh my god, they ransacked your room, Misato-san!" Shinji gasped.

"Heheh… yeah, they did," Misato laughed nervously. "I'll check if they took anything."

Shinji's eyes scanned the room looking for signs of forced entry, but found none.

"No, they didn't take anything," Misato's words distracted Shinji. 'Though I'm a little hurt that they didn't.' "What about Asuka?"

"I don't know," Shinji admitted. "Things are a little awkward between me and Asuka at the moment."

"What happened at school today?" Misato demanded.

Shinji blushed as he recounted what he remembered happening, starting with Asuka's inadvertent flashing when she was called up to the blackboard and ending with him waking up in the nurse's office, nearly naked and tied to the bed.

"I'm not sure whether I should be appalled or amused," she teased. "I mean, you kids getting up to advanced things like bondage at school."

Shinji sighed. 'I knew that telling Misato would be a bad idea.' "But what about my underwear?"

"I haven't seen your laundry, but I doubt that Asuka's become some kind of pervert overnight. That leaves us with a possible security breach, that we need to get sorted," Misato decided. "I'll get the locks changed in the morning."

* * *

Elsewhere in Tokyo-3, Rei was smiling as she looked at the spoils of her raid on Shinji's apartment. 

"They would feel a lot nicer on my face if they were made from silk," she noted. "Perhaps I can convince Shinji-kun to make the change from cotton?"

The blue haired girls smile grew when she considered the concept of "Silky Darlings".

"Yes, 'that is the way forward', as they say."

* * *

Asuka slammed the front door to the Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu residence shut. 

"I see that you're home at last, Asuka," Misato drawled. "How was your day?"

Asuka shot Misato a dirty look, but said nothing as her attention was now focussed on Shinji sliding the door to his room open.

"A-asuka…"

"That wasn't me earlier," was all the redhead said before storming off into her sanctuary.

Shinji looked away, before turning back into his room.

The purple haired woman frowned. 'I know, Rei might make be able to cheer Shinji up.'

* * *

Rei sat in her bedroom smiling as she thought about the best way to convince Shinji to make the switch from cotton to silk. Her reverie was interrupted by the ringing of her mobile phone. 

"Yes, Captain Katsuragi?" she asked, a barely noticeable tone of irritation entering her voice.

"¬Rei, are you busy this evening?¬"

"I have no plans."

"¬Would you mind paying Shinji a visit tonight? He's a little upset at the moment, and I thought that you could help cheer him up.¬"

"I will be arriving in approximately 38 minutes," Rei declared.

* * *

37 minutes and 45 seconds later, Misato's doorbell was ringing. 

The purple haired woman opened the door to see Rei standing there looking, almost anxious. "How is Shinji-kun feeling, Captain Katsuragi?"

"Shinji's moping in his room. He's a little upset that his underwear's gone missing," Misato mentioned with a teasing smile.

'Does Captain Katsuragi know about my liberation of Shinji-kun's precious treasures?' Rei asked herself. Deciding that it would be best to feign ignorance at this time, she merely replied with "I see."

"Well come on in, you know where Shinji's room is, don't you?"

"I do," Rei allowed herself a small smile as she entered the apartment and knocked on Shinji's door.

""Who is it?" a depressed male voice asked through the panelling.

"It is I, Rei," the blue haired girl announced. "I wish to speak with you."

Not knowing how to tell Rei "no", Shinji slid open his door and forced a smile.

"Hello, Rei."

"Shinji-kun, we need to speak in private."

Misato, standing in the hallway with a can of beer, raised an eyebrow at the scene unfolding before her.

"O-ok," Shinji nodded, he turned and gestured to his bed.

"Your room is organised," Rei noted. "I like it."

"Thanks," Shinji blushed lightly. "What did you want to speak with me about?"

"Have you considered changing your undergarments to silk?"

"WHAT?" Shinji screamed, the very notion of Rei being interested in his choice of underwear boggling his mind.

"I wish to see you wear silky darlings, Shinji-kun," Rei explained as she handed the male pilot the contents of a paper bag that was pulled from nowhere.

Shinji stared dumbly at the pair of black, silk boxer shorts.

"Try these on, it is the way for us to progress our relationship."

"N-now?" Shinji asked, the whole day becoming a surreal nightmare for him. "I can't change in front of you!"

"I fail to see why not, you have nothing that I have not seen before," Rei casually mentioned. "I am not leaving the room until I see you in that pair of boxer shorts."

Sighing in defeat, a numb Shinji started to undress, hoping that he was having a nightmare and not the most bizarre day of his life.

"Though I have to admit, Shinji-kun, your package is most impressive."

"When did you become such a pervert, Rei?" Misato demanded, standing in the doorway just as Shinji finished pulling up the silken garment.

"I notice that you are not complaining about Shinji-kun standing in just his underwear, Captain Katsuragi. Perhaps you have designs on Shinji-kun?" Rei pondered aloud.

"That's preposterous!" Misato insisted. "I could have pretty much any man I like, why would I want Shinji? Even if he's taut young body does make his package look that much more enticing."

"Don't stare, Misato-san, it's embarrassing enough as it is," Shinji blushed. He turned around and bent over to pick up his black slacks.

"HOTCHA!" "DIBS!" the two ladies cried out in unison as they pounced on hapless pilot.

Misato was about to suggest Jan-ken to decide who should go first, but she was interrupted by Rei's announcement that a three in the bed romp was "the way forward."

* * *

That's all you get for now…

Until laterer comes


	5. Can 5

Superhero Spam

By Lord Raa

Can 5

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: You can get better odds in Vegas

**

* * *

**

Well, I thought that since "The Invisible Rei" got a repeat visit, why not see what would have gone on with Shinji as Mr. Fantastic…

* * *

Shinji lay curled up in a foetal position on his bed as Misato banged on the barricaded door.

"Open up Shin-chan! You can't stay in there for ever!" the sex crazed woman shouted.

"Yes I can," Shinji insisted.

Misato decided to use the best tool in her arsenal for getting Shinji to do what she wanted. "But what if there's an Angel attack? We'll all die!"

"At least I won't have people trying to touch me in the bathing suit area!" Shinji countered.

"WHAT?" Misato screeched as she stopped her hammering.

"Everywhere I go in NERV, people keep asking me to show them what I can stretch and how much I can stretch it. It's so degrading, being treated like a circus freak show," Shinji answered tearfully. "And the things the women say to me…"

"I'm sorry, Shin-chan, I never thought of it that way. Open the door and let Misato-chan comfort you," the Captain said sweetly.

"You say the worst things out of all of them!" Shinji stated loudly. "You keep asking about using my fingers like tentacles."

"Heh-heh," Misato chuckled nervously.

"What's going on here?" Asuka demanded, upset that her TV programme was being interrupted by her roommates' disturbance.

"Shinji won't come out of his room," Misato explained.

"But it's his turn to cook dinner," Asuka pointed to the door. "Baka, you get out here now and start cooking or I'll make you suffer!"

"But people keep trying to touch me!" Shinji whined.

"Oh grow up," Asuka scolded. "Like anyone would want to touch a boring boy like you!"

Misato looked away to hide her guilt.

Asuka was getting hungry. "Alright, let's assume that you're right for once. Why and where are people trying to touch you?"

Shinji's answer was cut off by Misato. "I'm sorry, but that's classified, Asuka."

"I pilot the most advanced piece of military hardware on the planet," the redhead said in a "duh" tone, "how can I not have sufficient security clearance?"

"Quite easily," Misato said dryly. "Now come on Shinji, don't be so stingy."

As Shinji remained silent, Asuka became even more upset. "Baka, if I have to break down this door you'll be eating hospital food through a straw, got it?"

This had the effect of motivating Shinji.

"Ok, but you all keep your distance," the sullen pilot warned.

"Fine, I'll keep Misato away from you."

Shinji slowly opened his door and made his way to the kitchen. During his brief journey, he felt Misato's gaze sweeping over his body.

Misato caught herself staring when she saw Shinji shiver/shudder.

"Ahem," she cleared her throat nervously. "So what's for dinner, Shin-chan?"

"It better have meat in it!" Asuka warned. "I'm tired of your namby-pamby vegetarian cooking. What's with that, anyway? You learning to cook for Wonder Girl?"

"No," Shinji sighed. "But what do you care who I cook for?"

"You like her?" Asuka asked in disbelief.

"Why not? Rei isn't mean to me," Shinji said defensively.

Misato frowned. 'Is Shinji looking to impress Rei? I don't think I like that idea…'

No, Misato liked the idea of Shinji showing her how much he could stretch parts of his body.

"Whatever," Asuka snorted. "Get cooking, baka!"

Shinji turned back to the cupboard and started preparing items for a curry.

The Second Child gaped when she saw Shinji reach up and pull out three plates from the top shelf without the aid of the stool she'd seen him use.

"You see that, Misato?"

"Yes," the beer drinker smiled. "I wonder if he'll be stretching other parts tonight."

Asuka looked at her guardian wiping the drool off her chin. "What do you mean by that? So what if he can stretch other parts of his body?"

Misato shook her head sadly. "I guess Second Child is an appropriate name for you, Asuka-chan. Think about it – if Shin-chan can stretch every part of his body he could make a girl very happy…"

Asuka's complexion became almost as red as her hair.

"That's indecent! How can you say such things in front of a minor!"

"Shinji isn't so minor, if you know what I mean," Misato smirked as she started to inch towards Shinji.

Luckily for the hapless chef, there was a guest knocking at the door.

"Get the door Misato," Asuka said, glaring at the lecherous woman.

"Fine," Misato sighed. She reluctantly walked to the front door. Upon opening it, Misato was only marginally surprised to see Ritsuko standing there.

"Hi Misato," the bottle blonde waved. "How's Shinji?"

"He's ok," Misato replied, the left side of her face twitching.

"That's good to hear," Ritsuko grinned as she stepped inside and into the apartment proper.

"Why are you here?" Misato asked through gritted teeth.

Having shed her jacket, the blonde grinned at her host. "I want to make sure you don't take advantage of Shinji's condition."

"What makes you think that I'm taking advantage of Shinji?" Misato glared at her "friend".

"I know what you're like, Misato."

"And I know what YOU'RE like, Ritsuko," Misato pointed angrily. "So stop projecting your sordid fantasies on me."

Ritsuko didn't respond to that barb, she merely walked through the apartment to see the male pilot. "Hello, Shinji-kun."

Shinji froze up. "H-hello, Ritsuko-san," he stammered as he slowly turned around.

"Is Misato making you cook again? You really should stand up for yourself more," the bottle blonde admonished.

"Yeah, baka," Asuka huffed. "If you had more of a backbone, then you wouldn't have this problem."

"But I like the fact that Shinji's so flexible," Misato pouted cutely.

"You're so shameless, Misato," Ritsuko said, shaking her head.

"This coming from the woman that asked 'hey, Shinji, ever had your asshole licked by a blonde woman in a labcoat?'," the purple haired captain said in a threatening tone.

"I was drunk!" the scientist insisted.

"That's Misato's excuse, come up with your own," yelled the redhead.

A fourth female voice joined the conversation. "I believe that there is enough of Shinji-kun to go around."

Everyone turned to face the new speaker. "Rei?" they asked in unison.

"I have examined Dr. Akagi's notes and I do not see why Shinji-kun would not be able to use his new ability to turn his penis into multiple appendages and sexually satisfy us at once," the blue haired girl said in a calm voice. "It is clearly the best solution to this situation."

Shinji looked down at the floor with a mixture of shame and embarrassment.

"When did you become such a pervert, First?" Asuka demanded. "And why would you want him?"

"Shinji-kun is an attractive male," Rei said with a small, almost naughty smile.

"Yeah, and?" Miss Sohryu asked in a bored tone. "But he's no Kaji."

"That means he will not have syphilis. If you are not interested in Shinji-kun, please do not attempt to stop us."

"What's this 'us' business, Rei?" Misato demanded indignantly. She might have doubled up with another woman in the past, but that was before she encountered Stretch Johnson, a man who'd be able to fulfil her most erotic dreams (and her orifices).

"Shinji-kun has demonstrated that he is highly skilled at avoiding capture. There is less chance of him getting away from three of us," Rei explained.

"True, but what makes you think that we want to share Shinji with you?" Ritsuko asked as she edged closer to Shinji.

"Handcuffs might hurt Shinji-kun," Rei's tone was almost excited, "and if Shinji-kun is hurt, then he will not be able to last as long."

"I don't know about you, Ritsuko, but I can't fault that logic," Misato conceded. "Come on Shin-chan, red hot lovin' awaits!"

"Do I have to?" Shinji whined. He looked at the faces of the women interested in him and gulped. "I mean, yes ma'am!"

"There's a good boy," Rei smiled as she licked her lips.

* * *

Well, I can't have too much sauciness in this story or you'd all get excited.

There may be more spamfic ideas to follow, but they won't all be superhero related. That won't be a problem if I post them here as chapters of this anthology, will it?

Yes, I know that Shinji and company haven't really started to act in a heroic fashion, but I won't tell if you don't.

Besides, if you were entertained by anything you read here, then I think that we can consider this experiment a success, don't you?

Until laterer comes.


	6. Can 6  Not a Superhero related story

Superhero Spam

By Lord Raa

* * *

Can 6

* * *

Disclaim-me-do:You should see my bedroom - it's full of geese!

Not superheroes this time, but you know what? I don't care right now!

* * *

Shinji sat in his class as the teacher began the latest part of their syllabus.

"Class," grey-haired man started, "this next topic is one that some of you may find interesting, though I expect that some of you will be bored to tears; that can't be helped. This term, we will be looking at genealogy and family histories. The main piece of coursework for you all, will be a brief out line of you family tree with notes on at least three figures from your ancestry, and they all must be from three different generations."

The class groaned loudly.

"I know that you'd all rather be playing on your newfangled computer games systems, but there is a lot we can learn from our pasts. Now, since you all have very little idea about what to do for this, I'm going to allow you to work with a partner. You have until I come back to sort yourselves out. Anyone without a partner will be assigned one by me."

As the teacher left the room, Touji turned to his bespectacled friend. "Ken, ol' buddy, you're workin' with me."

"I am?" the nerdy boy asked in a teasing tone.

"Yep, or do you wanna risk workin' with the devil?"

"Since you put it that way," the military otaku shrugged.

Hikari was accosted by Asuka. "Hey, Hikari, you want to work with me?"

"Yeah, sure, Asuka," the class rep nodded.

Shinji looked around the class to see someone who liked him enough to want to work with him. He caught a glimpse of a quiet girl looking out of window. 'Perhaps she might want to…'

Taking a deep breath, the Third Child stood up and approached his fellow pilot. "Ayanami-san," he started.

"Yes, I will work with you on this project, Ikari-kun," Rei answered as she turned to face the young man at her desk. "That is what you wanted to ask me, was it not?"

"Yes," Shinji nodded, a light blush creeping across his features. "Thank you, Rei."

* * *

Later that lesson, Shinji was using the internet site the teacher had allowed access to for their project to search for his family history. 'Hmm, mother's name was Yui Ikari…'

The terminal bleeped when it found three matches in its database for names Shinji had input into the search fields.

'That's not the one,' he crossed the first one off his list – she'd died two years before he'd been born. The next one had died decades before Shinji had been born, during an earthquake in the 1960's.

'Mother…' Shinji thought sadly as he looked at the last record with the name "Yui Ikari" on it. Scanning through the major events listed on his mother's file, the young Ikari saw two familiar dates – the day she died and his birthday. Looking further into the past, he saw the date that she married his father.

Blinking back a tear, Shinji was about to click on the link that had his grandparents' details from his mother's side when Rei sent him an instant message.

"¬Ikari-kun, I have discovered something that was unexpected.¬"

"¬What is it, Ayanami-san?¬" he typed back.

"¬I think that you may be related to the Imperial Family of Japan.¬"

"What?" Shinji blurted out, inadvertently attracting the attention of his classmates.

Rei faced her project partner. "I believe that I may have discovered who your mother was related to."

"But you said…"

"I cannot be sure as certain sections of this site are secured against public access. In order to find out the whole truth, we may need to visit the public records bureau in person. I will arrange an appointment," Rei announced.

"That's good initiative, Ayanami," the teacher smiled. "Let me know when your meeting with the public records is."

"Yes, Sensei," the blue haired girl bowed.

Ten minutes later, Rei approached the teacher's desk.

"Sensei, I need to be excused, Ikari-kun and I have an appointment with the Public Records Bureau this afternoon."

"That was quick," the grey-haired man replied. "How did you manage to get to see someone so quickly?"

"I mentioned that I needed to research the family history of Ikari-kun to gain more details for NERV medical records," the red-eyed girl answered. "Please may we be excused?"

"Yes."

"Wait! That's not fair," Asuka reacted in a predictable fashion.

"We need to see discuss details in person, Pilot Sohryu. You can continue your research from here at this time. I am sure that when you reach an appropriate point, our teacher will allow you to go on a field trip to the Public Records Bureau."

* * *

Soon, Shinji and Rei were entering the lobby of the Public Records Bureau. The blue haired teenager approached the front desk and announced their presence for their meeting with a senior bureaucrat.

"Ah, Miss Ayanami, Mr. Fujita will be here shortly. He mentioned that your enquiry was an urgent one," the pretty blonde receptionist smiled. "Please take a seat."

Rei bowed and led Shinji to a pair of unoccupied chairs.

Shinji barely had time to think about how comfortable his seat was when a middle aged man walked up to the pilots.

"Shinji Ikari and Rei Ayanami?" the man with receding brown hair and charcoal grey suit asked.

"Yes," Rei answered for the pair of them. "I am Rei Ayanami. Why is Ikari-kun's family history restricted?"

"That's something that should best be discussed in private. Please come with me."

* * *

Shinji sat in a comfortable office looking at the computer screen with his family tree on.

"So my mother's mother was related to the Imperial family?" he asked, slightly overwhelmed by the latest turn of events in his life.

"We think so, and that would make you heir to the Chrysanthemum Throne if you are indeed related to that Yui Ikari. May we take a blood sample to perform a DNA test?" Fujita asked.

Shinji blinked. His life had changed so much over the last few months, from his comfortable mediocrity in Neo-Osaka to piloting the most advanced Death Machine™ known to man without so much as a glance at the training manual.

"Ok," he agreed.

Better to get the disappointment over with as soon as possible, he reasoned. After all, with a life that had so many of them and he had to get in as many as he could during the daylight hours. He had to leave his evenings free for chores and teasing, otherwise Misato and Asuka would get cranky.

Rolling up his sleeve, Shinji looked to Rei to distract himself from the sensation of being stuck with a hypodermic needle.

"How long will it be until we get the results?" Rei asked the bureaucrat. "We have been assigned a class project on our heritages and we are required to return to school as soon as possible."

"We can get the results back tomorrow, but I must ask you to keep everything quiet until we can confirm the facts, is that ok?"

"Yes," Shinji nodded. 'It's not like anyone would believe me if I told them.'

* * *

Shinji returned to home braced for hurricane Asuka protesting that he was taking advantage of Rei when he skipped school.

He was not disappointed.

"I can't believe that they let him wander the streets during lesson time but not me!" the redhead raged.

"That's because Section 2 were keeping an eye on them," Misato calmly informed her female charge. After taking a long pull on her beer, she focused her attention on the newly arrived Shinji. "So what's this I hear about you skipping school with Rei? Is my little Shin-chan growing up and noticing girls?"

Shinji could help the blush that covered his cheeks. "No, I was at the public records building because of our school project."

"Oh, so you weren't getting it on in a love hotel?"

"NO!" the Third Child protested. Not knowing what else to do, he fled for his room.

"See, Asuka, nothing happened when they were out. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous of Rei…"

"I am not jealous of Wondergirl!" the redhead snorted before she left Misato alone to wallow in her beer induced haze.

* * *

The next morning, as he cooked breakfast, Shinji was called to the phone.

"Hello?"

"¬Is that Shinji Ikari?¬"

"Yes, how can I help you?"

"¬This is Kenichi Fujita from the Public Records Bureau. You came in yesterday to talk about your family history.¬"

"Oh yes, have you got any news for me?" Shinji asked, hoping that he could get on with his project.

"¬Yes,¬" the man on the other end took a deep breath. "¬Your mother was related to the Imperial Family, and due to the aftermath of the Second Impact, you are the heir to the throne of Japan. Mister Ikari? Are you there?¬"

Shinji fell to the floor in shock. "Y-yes," he replied in a stunned monotone.

"¬Oh, thank goodness for that. The Secret Service has informed NERV security and will be arriving at your residence shortly.¬"

Shinji blinked. "O-ok. Let me tell Misato-san and Asuka that we're expecting visitors. Thank you for telling me so soon."

"¬It was my pleasure, Your Majesty.¬"

Shinji hung the phone up and turned his attention to finishing breakfast. When he served up, he called out that their meal was ready.

"Thanks, Shin-chan, I'm starving!" a purple topped form declared as it stumbled to the kitchen area.

Expecting this, Shinji handed Misato a can of beer. "Here you go, Misato-san. Oh, we're expecting company soon."

"We are?" Misato asked after taking a nice long drink of her cold beer.

"Who is it?" Asuka asked as she took her place at the table.

"I'm not sure," the young Ikari lied as he poured three cups of coffee to evade further questions.

Asuka shrugged before digging in to her omelette, sausages and toast.

The ringing doorbell interrupted the meal.

"I'll get it," Shinji said, standing up.

Not that it made much difference as Asuka and Misato continued to shovel food into their mouths.

"Hello, can I help you?" Shinji asked the two black suited men that stood in hallway in front of Misato's apartment.

"Are you Shinji Ikari?" the man on the left asked.

"Yes? What is this about?"

The man on the right scanned for threats. "We're clear at the moment, but we should get inside."

"Agreed," the first man nodded. "Please step inside, Mister Ikari."

"Ok," Shinji nodded. He led the two men into the kitchen. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"No thank you, sir," the first man declined. "We really should be going. Your great uncle wishes to see you as soon as possible."

"His great-uncle?" Misato repeated. "Who is that?"

"Have you not informed them yet, Your Majesty?"

"N-not yet," Shinji admitted.

"'Your Majesty'? What the hell's going on here?" Asuka demanded, slamming her cutlery on the table. "What lies have you been telling people, Baka?"

"I haven't said anything!" the timid Ikari insisted.

"A likely story!" the redhead scoffed. She readied a fist to discipline her wayward manservant.

"Don't even think about it."

"Pardon?" Asuka blinked. "Who are you to tell me what to do? Do you know who I am?"

"Someone who will be in big trouble if you hit Ikari-dono," the first man replied in a dangerous tone. "Think twice about your next move."

As Asuka growled, Misato's phone rang.

"Yes? What? You're having a laugh! What? His mother was…" The Captain's face fell when she was informed of the situation by Ritsuko. When the blonde hung up, Misato turned to face Shinji.

"So then, Shinji, I hear that you've got friends in high places. Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I only just found out about it!" Shinji replied with a blush.

"What the hell are you talking about? 'Friends in high places' my arse! The Commander wants nothing to do with the Baka!" a seething Asuka snorted in derision.

"Captain Katsuragi, we will be leaving with Ikari-dono in ten minutes. If you wish to accompany us, be ready," said the second man.

"Leaving where?" Misato asked with her eyes narrowed.

"To visit his great-uncle, the Emperor of Japan," the first Secret Service agent explained. "Nine minutes 45 seconds, Captain Katsuragi."

"Shit!" Misato scrambled to her room to dress in a more appropriate manner.

Eight minutes later, and Misato emerged from her room, buttoning up her dress jacket. "Ready when you are."

* * *

Both Misato and Shinji sat in silence during the ride to the Imperial Palace, their minds going over various scenarios.

Misato was thinking about a potential reward for looking after the Crown Prince, while Shinji was thinking "what if this is a hoax?".

The black sedan pulled up to the gates and a uniformed guard approached the window.

"Shinji Ikari and Captain Misato Katsuragi, both of NERV," the driver explained. His passengers showed their ID cards, the pictures wearing completely contrasting expressions.

"I see. Give them a standard search," the guard replied.

Five minutes later, the NERV personnel were being escorted through the corridors of the Imperial Palace. Misato's mind went over possible reasons for missing this minor detail in Shinji's background report.

Shinji was thinking about how much effort it would take to keep palace tidy, be that was because of his treatment at the hands of Asuka conditioned him to think like a domestic servant.

They were brought out of their reverie by the footman that announced them to the Emperor.

"Your Majesty, Pilot Shinji Ikari and Captain Katsuragi of NERV," the immaculately dressed man introduced.

"Thank you. Please, step forward, I would like to get a good look at my long-lost great-nephew," the elderly man smiled.

Shinji, the purple haired woman noticed, looked more nervous than when he was first told about the naked sync tests. "Y-yes, s-sir," he stammered.

"I hear that you are the pilot of that purple giant, is that the case?"

"Y-yes, sir," Shinji answered, slightly trembling.

"What is it like?" the Emperor asked. "I would imagine that it is rather difficult to control such a behemoth."

"It is, Your Majesty. I have improved a lot since I first piloted, five months ago," the young Ikari said, now feeling a little more at ease in the presence of his Head of State.

"That's good to hear," the Emperor smiled warmly. He coughed, but waved off the concerns of his visitors. "I shall be fine. Now what about you, Captain Katsuragi? How did you know my nephew?"

"I'm his superior officer. I met him when he first came to Tokyo-3. After the first Angel attack, he moved in with me," Misato explained with a bow.

"Ah, so you two have been 'living in sin'?"

"Nonononononono," the Captain replied, shaking her head vigorously. "I never touched him in an inappropriate manner. I am his legal guardian, after all."

"That's good to hear. So then Shinji-kun, is there a girl that you like? You and I are the last of the Imperial line, you know," the Emperor mentioned in a serious tone.

"I," Shinji started, his face turning red, "there are a couple of girls that I like, but I don't know how they feel about me."

The Emperor was about to add something, but his coughing fit interrupted and brought in his doctors.

Gasping for air, the dieing man told those present that Shinji was to inherit the throne.

"W-w-why me?" the pilot asked in a panicked tone.

"Because you wouldn't abuse your position," the Emperor said around his laboured breathing. His eyes closed slowly.

"Your Majesty," the senior doctor said, "please, stay with us, we need your guidance."

"I go into the night, have faith in my nephew…"

With that, the Emperor passed away.

The doctors turned to Shinji and Misato. "We're sorry for you loss."

"There was nothing we could do, he had been seriously ill for some time."

"But what do I do now?" Shinji asked, hoping that someone would be there to provide him with guidance or give him orders.

"I believe, Tennou Hiko-sama, that the normal course of action is to declare a day of mourning and organise your coronation," a tall, thin man with silver hair spoke up.

"And you are?" Misato asked, stepping between him and Shinji.

"Yoshiyuki Ohmura, I was His Majesty's senior aide."

"People aren't going to accept me as their Emperor," the pilot insisted. "Besides, I have to pilot Eva!"

"That is something that we need to look into, Your Highness," Ohmura bowed. "Are there alternative pilots?"

"There's Rei and Asuka, but we do actually need Shinji," Misato frowned. While she wasn't much of a traditionalist, the idea of her friend, roommate and now Emperor piloting Unit-01 didn't quite sit right with her.

Misato's mobile phone rang. "Hello?"

"¬Misato, we need you and Shinji back at NERV right now!¬"

"Bit of a crisis right now, Ritsuko, the Emperor has just passed away. Can this wait?"

"¬No, the MAGI are 60 percent certain that there's an Angel nearing Yokohama right now. We need Shinji to check it out in Unit-01 ASAP!¬"

"Right, we'll be there as soon as we can," Misato said before ending the call. "We need to go now, Shinji, there's an Angel approaching. Shit, we didn't come in my car. Can someone take us to NERV headquarters?"

"Yes," Ohmura nodded. "I'll arrange for a car."

* * *

Shinji and Misato arrived at NERV to the news that it was just a drill. A fact that didn't make the purple haired captain very happy.

"Do you have any idea where we were, Ritsuko?" she growled.

"No," the blonde replied sarcastically. "I had no idea that you were visiting Palace officials about Shinji's extended family."

"That's something else that we need to discuss," Misato said, glaring daggers at Gendo.

"What do you mean, Katsuragi?" the bearded man demanded in his usual terse manner.

"Did you know that the LATE Emperor made Shinji his successor? Hell, did you even know that your wife was related to the Imperial Family?"

'Yui kept that a secret from me…' Gendo frowned. "Sensei, did you know about Yui's family?"

"I had no idea," Fuyutsuki answered. "This changes everything."

* * *

Shinji finished changing back into his normal clothes and exited the men's locker room. He was surprised to see Rei waiting from him.

"I have heard the news about your lineage and the recent death of the Emperor. I will do what I can to serve you, Ikari-dono," the blue haired girl bowed deeply at the waist.

"Rei?"

Rei lifted her head slightly. "I have been ordered by the Commander to escort you to the bridge."

Shinji blushed slightly at the attention. "I don't want to be a bother."

Rei stepped closer and placed a hand on Shinji's forehead. "You do not feel like you have a fever. Are you feeling well?"

"I'm fine, Rei. Shall we go and see the others?" the young man suggested.

"Yes. I believe that there is an announcement about this new situation."

* * *

Shinji descended the escalator and entered the bridge with Rei a few steps behind him.

"Is everything ok?" he asked the assembled crew.

"It is, Shinji," Misato winked.

"Misato!" Ritsuko scolded. "You know you should show more respect for someone of Shinji's standing. Good afternoon, Your Majesty."

Shinji predictably blushed at the attention. "Please don't make a fuss."

"If you insist, Your Majesty," the blonde bowed.

Gendo looked impassively at his son, unsure of just how this was going to alter his scenario. He was surprised to see the fax machine near to where Misato stood whirr into life.

The Captain looked at the incoming message. "Hey, Ritsuko, can they actually do this?"

"Do what, Misato?"

"Replace the Commander?"

"What are you talking about?" Ritsuko snapped. She grabbed the paper from her friend's hand.

"From the Office of the Secretary General of the United Nations.

In order to facilitate the reconciliation between the new Emperor of Japan and his father, the Commander of NERV, we have decided to move Gendo Ikari into a consultancy role.

"His replacement will be Captain Misato Katsuragi, who will receive an immediate promotion to the rank of full colonel.

Signed Hans Kohler,

Secretary General."

Everyone in the room blinked when they digested that piece of information.

"Promotion for Misato-chan!" the purple haired woman shouted as she jumped up and down, inadvertently giving everyone who was looking an eyeful of jiggling cleavage.

"Misato!" Ritsuko scolded. "Don't you have any shame? Exposing yourself to the Emperor like that!"

"Hey, I had less than ten minutes to dress this morning!" the newly promoted women shot back. "I thought I could get away without a bra, ok? And besides, the Emperor never complained before."

All eyes turned to Shinji, who looked away.

Gendo decided that he needed to get some influence over his son before the other hangers-on monopolised his time. "Rei, I need to speak with you in private. Now."

The red-eyed pilot nodded and left for Gendo's office.

* * *

Inside his private room, Gendo explained what he wanted of Rei.

"You will act as Pilot Ikari's bodyguard and confidant. If the situation requires it of you, you will share his bed. I need you to gain influence over him before others do. Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir. I will do everything I can to gain influence over the Emperor," Rei bowed.

"Good. Be discrete, Rei, they eyes of the nation will be upon us."

"Sir," Rei bowed again before leaving the office.

* * *

Rei re-entered the bridge to see Secret Service agents speak with the assembled crew.

"And what is your relationship with the Emperor, Captain Katsuragi?"

"It's Colonel now, actually. We live together, I'm his legal guardian," the purple haired woman explained. "So that means that I should move in with Shinji to the Palace!"

The agents frowned at the assumption that the, admittedly lovely, woman made.

"It's ok," Shinji reassured his bodyguards, "Misato-san's been so kind to me since I arrived in Tokyo-3, so it's the least I can do."

"Your Majesty," Rei interrupted. "As my living arrangements are currently in a state of disrepair, would it be possi-"

Shinji knew what was coming. "Of course, Rei, you can stay with me for as long as you like."

The blue haired pilot bowed. "Thank you kindly, Your Majesty."

"Your Highness, we must be going," the agent that had been interviewing Misato said in a respectful, yet urgent tone.

"Ok," Shinji nodded. "Let's go, Misato, Rei, was there anything that you wanted to pick up on the way home?"

"I will be fine, Tennou Hiko-sama," Rei reassured. "If need be, I will go without clothing while mine is being laundered. Colonel Katsuragi also has little problem with being incompletely dressed in your presence, so I do not see any reason for a delay."

"What kind of things have been going on around here?" one of the agents asked with a frown.

* * *

Later that evening, Gendo was being "entertained" by Ritsuko. The bearded man had a lot of frustration to work off, and rough sex with the bottle blonde usually helped with that condition.

Ritsuko went through the motions, as always, but just didn't as turned on as normal despite her lover being more enthusiastic than normal.

Not that Gendo ever took her over the edge, but the power and authority that he held usually got her motor running.

Lighting up her post-coital cigarette as Gendo left, Ritsuko mulled over what the problem was.

"Let's see, he's probably annoyed that Misato's got his job and because Shinji's Emperor. Wait, he's not as powerful as he was yesterday and he didn't really flick my switch just now and I know I'm attracted to powerful men. But the thought of the Emperor ordering me around…"

The blonde felt a pleasant warmth in her belly. Licking her lips, she decided that she needed to think about that potential scenario some more. After stubbing out her tobacco, she lay back on her bed and pondered what it would be like to be at the beck and call of the young Emperor.

* * *

Asuka sat in the quiet apartment fuming at the injustice of it all. Her tirade of foul language had scared Pen-pen enough to flee back to his refrigerator and cower like a frightened Shinji.

A scowl marred her otherwise attractive features as she stalked to the kitchen for sustenance.

"What the Hell? Can't anyone buy decent food?" she demanded from the eerily quiet residence. After a moment of searching for ingredients that she could make something out of, a smile crept across her face. "Oh well, I guess that this means that I can drink Misato's beer."

Reaching in for a can, the pilot looked around for any sign that this was in fact an elaborate practical joke. Feeling more comfortable, she popped the top and drank the amber nectar.

"Argh!" the redhead screamed. She looked at the can. "Goddamnit, Misato's drinks Special Brew! No wonder her cooking's shitty, she's lost most of her taste buds!"

Deciding that she was too angry to care about Misato's ale of choice, she grabbed a few more cans and some cooked chicken that Shinji had made and sat in front of the TV.

After her second can, the taste didn't seem so bad and the meat made it all the more palatable. Soon, the young pilot was pleasantly buzzed.

"Where is that baka?" she asked the empty room. Cursing herself for forgetting that the most spineless person she knew was elsewhere, she picked up the phone and dialled Hikari.

"¬Hello, Horaki residence, ¬" a young girl answered the phone, "how may I help you?¬"

"Is Hikari there? It's her friend Asuka."

"¬I'll check. Hikari! Your friend Asuka's on the line!¬"

Asuka heard the sound of footsteps descending stairs.

"¬Hi, Asuka-chan, what's up?¬"

"I'm all alone. They've taken Baka-Shinji away," the redhead whined.

"¬What do you mean, Asuka-chan?¬"

"Shinji went to out today and when he came back for a drill, everybody was creating a massive fuss," Asuka sighed. "What makes him so special?"

Hikari coughed. "¬Asuka-chan, haven't you heard the news?¬"

"What news?" the redhead frowned.

"¬The fact that Shinji-dono's now the Emperor, Asuka-chan!¬"

"What? Wait, now that you mention it they were going on about Shinji's new role and Misato's promotion… Oh shit."

"¬That's right, Asuka-chan! If you're not careful, you could get into serious trouble!¬"

Asuka snorted as she downed more of Misato's beer. "They need me to save the world, you know," she slurred.

"¬Asuka, are you drunk?¬"

"Not yet," the blue-eyed girl said arrogantly. After another sip of the new NERV Commander's rotgut, she changed her mind. "Well, maybe a little. Anyway, it's naptime. I'll see you tomorrow, Hikari-chan."

As soon as she hung up the phone, Asuka fell asleep on Misato's sofa.

* * *

Shinji was getting ready to enjoy a nice soak in the master bathroom before he went to bed. He had been told about the size of the tub, and he was looking forward to stretching out and letting the heat wash away his stress.

He wasn't expecting to see Rei standing there in the doorway.

"Rei?"

"Your Majesty, I have been ordered to remain in close proximity to yourself in order to act as a bodyguard," the blue haired girl answered with a deep bow.

"Then why are you following me into the bathroom?" Shinji asked nervously.

"I may be required to render assistance in the event of a slip, trip or fall."

"I'll be fine, Rei," the young Emperor smiled.

"But these were orders from your father. He suggested that could grow closer together."

That fact made Shinji reconsider. While he didn't care a great deal for what his father wanted, he did like Rei. And orders were orders…

"Ok, but don't tell anyone, ok?" Shinji said in a quiet, conspiratorial tone.

Rei nodded and followed her Emperor into the changing area. When the door was secured, the blue haired girl quickly shed her clothes without so much as a hint of modesty.

"Rei?" Shinji asked hesitantly.

"If it pleases His Majesty to look at my body, then He may do so at any time," Rei answered, standing with her feet shoulder width apart and her hands behind her back.

"But what do you want?"

"I wish to fulfil my orders," the naked girl replied. "If the need arises, I will be your friend, confidant, bodyguard and concubine."

"That's not what I meant, Rei. I mean what do you want?" Shinji asked, trying not to look at the very attractive and very naked girl in front of him.

"I wish to have a hot bath," Re said after a moment's thought. "Would you be kind enough to assist me by washing my back?"

Shinji nodded and undressed, though he wrapped a towel around his waist to preserve his modesty.

'I feel a little disappointed that I have not seen His Majesty full naked,' the female pilot mused. 'But perhaps He will accidentally touch my breasts when He scrubs my back.'

Rei's nipples hardened at that thought.

* * *

Misato was in heaven. She was enjoying the finest quality food she'd ever eaten and washing it down with litres of fine ales from across the world.

After excusing herself for the loud belch she had just unleashed, she felt that a nice hot bath was the way forward.

"Where can I bathe?" she asked the attendant, who was doing an admirable job of hiding her contempt for the purple haired colonel.

"Follow me, Madam," the brunette said with a bow.

As the duo walked to the where Misato's room was, the Colonel asked what was behind the pearl white double doors.

"That is His Majesty's private bath, Colonel Katsuragi. Please do not disturb Him," the attendant admonished.

"But I'm his guardian, I need to know if he's going to be alright!" Misato insisted, though not very convincingly.

"Please, Colonel, it would not be proper for you to enter the Imperial Bathing Chambers when they are occupied. A number of people have already expressed concern about the proprietary of your relationship with His Highness."

* * *

To be continued…?

Yes, this was a long update, but you know, more just wanted to keep coming out onto the page.

But I suppose the upside is that I can turn this into a proper fic at the drop of a hat or revisit it at any time.

Yes, I know that there are about a dozen plot holes here, but you know, It's All Good because it's a spamfic.

Does anyone have any questions out there in Internetland?

If so, you know what to do…

Until laterer comes


	7. Can 7 Also no superheroes

Superhero Spam

By Lord Raa

* * *

Can 7

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: Can't this wait? I'm touching cloth!

Time for another AU, though this one may seem more than a tad familiar to some of you…

* * *

Shinji Ikari was looking around Tokyo, trying to recall his childhood memories from the last time he was here. For the strangest of reasons he found his attention drawn to the big screen in the street.

What he saw would change his life forever.

"And now, we have the main event. In this corner, the reigning champion of Angelic Layer: Asuka Langley Sohryu and her winning doll, Vermillion!"

The screen showed a blue eyed, red haired girl with her fighting doll that looked a lot like her standing on her shoulder, though this miniature version was dressed in a form fitting red vinyl suit as opposed to her yellow sundress.

The cheer from the crowd puzzled the young Ikari. 'Why is this so popular?'

The announcer continued. "Versus Sachiel!"

The crowd didn't boo as Shinji expected, but the cheers for the gangly looking doll were markedly less.

'Compared to that first one, that's ugly,' Shinji thought as the two fighting dolls squared off against each other.

But the aesthetics of Sachiel did not matter once the battle started.

Asuka's brilliant red device streaked across the layer and grabbed the arms of Sachiel in a moved that would have made most unarmed combat practitioners proud. Seconds later, the angel in scarlet removed the arms of its opponent and discarded them off the edge of the layer.

"Well that was anti-climatic," a voice called out from behind Shinji as Asuka tore off the limbs.

Shinji turned to see a pale skinned boy around his age. "What do you mean?"

"I expected Asuka to show a little more flair with this one," he answered. "Asuka is famed for her skill; I guess that she must be tired of the weaker opponents."

To prove his point, Asuka responded to an interviewer's question.

"¬I'm looking for a new challenge at the Kanto tournament. So far, I've not been pushed as much as I'd like. It's not a challenge anymore. Is there no-one that is ready, willing and able to stand up to me? Are you all wimps?¬"

Shinji knew a challenge when he saw one. "I'll give it a go."

Kaworu smiled, but before he could point Shinji in the right direction to acquire the necessary components, the young Ikari had wandered off.

'Damn,' Kaworu cursed internally. 'He was a cutie.'

* * *

A blonde woman in a lab coat noticed a lost looking young male browsing the Angelic Layer section of a toy store.

"I see you're interested in Angelic Layer," she casually addressed Shinji.

"Oh, yes. I just saw a match on the TV outside and I want to give it a go, it looks like a lot of fun."

The blonde smiled at Shinji's innocent appraisal of the latest toy. "Well, do you know what you need to get started?"

Shinji shook his head.

The blonde's smile grew. "Right, you'll need one of these, one of these and one of those. Best not forget this or this," the woman spoke as moved with a purpose around the shelves.

"Do I really need all of this?"

"This is just for starters."

"Umm, I don't mean to be rude, but what's your name?" Shinji was beginning to get a little weirded out by the manic blonde.

"I'm Dr Ak- , no it's best if you call me Ritsuchan," the woman introduced herself. "Now to purchase the goods," she pointed Shinji in the direction of the tills.

As Shinji paid for his new toy and accessories, one of the staff pointed to Ritsuchan.

"There she is! She followed that boy in. I bet she's one of those perverted old women that prey on innocent young boys."

"What?" Ritsuchan looked around and started to panic. "Unhand me, you thug!"

"Silence, degenerate!" a security guard insisted as he dragged the struggling lab coat clad blonde out of the shop floor.

"Ritsuchan, can you lend me some money for the train?" Shinji turned to ask his new friend only to be answered with silence.

* * *

"Just what were you thinking walking here all the way from Tokyo station?" 

"I'm sorry, Auntie Misato," Shinji hung his head in shame only to have it painfully wrenched up by the cheeks.

"I'm not old enough to be referred to as 'auntie' yet Shinji. If you must point out that I'm older than you, Nee-chan will do just fine," Misato had a dangerous look in her eyes. It promised much pain to Shinji if he dared to make that same mistake again.

Misato wasn't really related to Shinji, but was a friend of the family, having worked with both of his parents before the unfortunate death of Yui Ikari. She was also only a few years older than Shinji.

"Of course, Nee-chan," Shinji responded through pinched cheeks.

"That's better," the scowl was replaced by shockingly cheery smile. "Now why don't you show me what it was that caused you spend your train fare on."

Shinji handed his room-mate the Angel Egg he had purchased on the advice of Ritsuchan.

"This is..."

"Yep, I'm going to play Angelic Layer. Though something does seem a bit odd. Fighting angels, I mean."

Misato laughed. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Angels are supposed to be the good guys."

Shinji joined in the mirth.

"So what are you going to call your Angel?" Misato asked.

"I was thinking Rei," Shinji replied as he gathered his things. "Is it ok if I take a bath?"

"Sure, I'll order take-out for dinner."

* * *

After Shinji had finished reading the water-proofed manual during his bath, he discussed the settings and appearance of Rei with his guardian over dinner.

"What kind of build should I go for, Misato?"

"I don't see an obvious powerhouse doll being your style, Shin-chan," Misato offered. "I say you go with an inner strength, like you."

Shinji blushed at his friend's habit of teasing and flirting. It was one of the things that he accepted as her way of showing affection. "I suppose. What colour hair should I go for?"

"Sky blue."

"Why?"

"Why not?" Misato was one of those people who often said that. She was a happy-go-lucky sort that enjoyed breezing through life.

"I can't argue with that now, can I?" Shinji chuckled.

"What about the red eyes that it came with? I like the distinctive appearance it'll give Rei," Misato said as she sipped her beer. It was the fourth can that Shinji had seen her drink that evening.

Shinji frowned at his room-mate's consumption of alcohol. "How often do you drink this much beer, Nee-chan?"

"This? This is a special occasion, Shin-chan. I knew you'd be tired so I didn't bother to throw a welcome party."

Shinji was a little suspicious of Misato's answer but didn't push it out of politeness. "I guess, but what outfit should I give her to wear?"

"I don't know much about the technical side, but I know that you can't put 'normal' doll's clothes on them. I think that what ever you decide will be fine, Shin-chan – as long as you don't dress Rei in S&M type bondage gear," the purple haired young woman joked.

Unsurprisingly, Shinji didn't get the joke. "What's S&M, Nee-chan?"

Misato suddenly felt more than a little uncomfortable at the idea of describing sexual practices to the innocent Shinji. "Don't worry about that now, Shin-chan, you should get some rest, you've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow."

"Ok Misato-chan." Shinji rose from the table to go to his own room.

* * *

To be continued…?

Yes, this is a repost of Evangelic Layer, but you know what? I don't care right now!

This one is up for grabs – if you want to write more of this one, contact me and we can work out some details.

Have a happy 2006, everybody.

Go on, I dare you.

Nay! I triple-dare every last one of you!


	8. Can 8

By Lord Raa

Can 8

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: Rozan Kabal – size of a chaffinch!

* * *

Ritsuko Akagi yawned as she stretched. The fog from the previous night's activities was slowly fading away.

"Where are my smokes?" she asked the unconscious body next to her.

When the bottle blonde failed to receive an answer, she prepared a wake-up kick to the comatose person next to her. As she prepared to launch a vicious boot to the backside of her assistant, she realised something. "Lab coat!"

"Ugh? Sempai? Is that you? What happened last night?" Maya asked in a hoarse tone.

"Nothing much, though I think I'm still a LITTLE bit drunk from that… what were we drinking again?" Ritsuko asked with a goofy grin on her face. She belched loudly. "Ooh, excuse me! Ah, damnit, that's brought up a nasty taste. Like something Misato cooked."

"You're so silly when you're drunk, Sempai," the young lieutenant smiled. "Ow, my head!"

"Don't worry about that, Maya! Now, where was I? Ah yes, there was that robot that I was working on…"

The faux blonde scanned the laptop to her right. The LCD screen read 'Programming upload complete.' She looked at the open disk drive with a look of morbid curiosity on her face. "Knights of the Old Republic? What's this doing here?"

Ritsuko's fingers started to fly across the computer's keyboard to determine what damage had been done during her department's inebriation.

"Sempai?" Maya asked as she sipped a glass of water. "Is something the matter?"

"It doesn't look like anything's gone wrong, only that we may have accidentally loaded a game into the new robot's memory core as part of its AI. We won't know until I can get the MAGI to run a simulation," the smoking woman answered. "I'm going to jump in the shower and grab something to eat before we test this thing."

* * *

Shinji was a little surprised to hear that he had to go into NERV to see about a special project. It wasn't like he was expecting anything nice to happen to him, but orders were orders.

Even if Misato was grinning like a Cheshire cat when she gave them. His guardian was claiming that she didn't have to go in until later and quickly went back to bed.

His journey to NERV HQ was as uneventful as he could have hoped for, with the trains running with their usual efficiency.

He slowly walked to the labs, a sense of dread growing inside his stomach as he approached his destination with all the joy of a condemned man.

"Shinji-kun," Maya Ibuki smiled. "Please come this way, but keep it down, Sempai's got a bit of a headache at the moment."

"Ok," the pilot replied softly, his experiences with Misato having given him ample understanding of those who were feeling delicate.

Walking in behind the lieutenant, Shinji was led to a hanger with a sheet covered item in the middle of it.

"Hello, Dr. Akagi," the young Ikari greeted in a softer tone than usual.

"Hi, Shinji-kun. The reason I brought you here was because we're concerned about your safety. You see, it took three days for Section Two to find you when you last went AWOL."

Shinji blushed and looked away at that comment.

"While we know that you will need time off from NERV, we're concerned that you might fall foul of some unsavoury characters and since self-defence isn't really an option, we've gotten you a protector," the scientist smiled as she removed the white sheet to reveal a gold coloured robot.

"This is the Independently-operated Bipedal Robotic Construct, revision 15. Or IBRC-15. It's an artificially intelligent machine that's been programmed to follow you around and keep you safe."

Shinji's eyes widened as he took in the sight of what he thought was an old and imaginary friend. "H-h-h-h-hK-47 is that you?"

The 1.8 metre tall robot lifted its head. "Query: Who is the young meatbag?"

"I-I-I'm Shinji Ikari," the pilot said nervously at the mechanoid.

"Correction: My designation is IBRC-15. Statement: You are my new master. Will violence be needed today?" IBRC-15 asked with hopeful voice.

"However," Ritsuko said with a wince, "it might have a few personality quirks that we've not had a chance to work out yet. After all, we only just brought it online today."

"Hi, IBRC-15, I'm Shinji Ikari, I'm sorry for the mix up, it's just that you look a lot like something from my childhood," the young Ikari apologised.

"Query: Why is my master unhappy? Is there someone he needs me to remove from the genepool?" the droid asked glee in its mechanical voice. "I can use extreme prejudice if there is someone you want to see suffer, Master."

"I don't think that's necessary, IBRC-15," Shinji replied nervously.

"Statement: Maybe not right now. Advice: One should never discount the use of lethal force to solve problems. Query: Where can I acquire firepower to fulfil my mission?" IBRC-15 asked, its optical sensors scanning the room.

"We'll get you something later," Ritsuko replied. 'Mental note, reprogram this thing ASAP!'

"How is it powered, Sempai? Will Shinji-kun have to keep it plugged into the mains?" Maya asked, having recovered from her earlier queasiness.

"Statement: I am designed for independent operations and have been equipped with a miniature Super Solenoid engine to maintain functionality. However, should I require maintenance on my power systems, I can draw energy from the standard domestic supply."

"Are you sure that's safe, Sempai?" the young lieutenant asked hesitantly.

"Yes, you see, we programmed Asimov's Three La-… oh bollocks!" the faux blonde cursed loudly having glanced at a nearby computer display. "It seems that we may have messed up, Maya."

"What do you mean 'we', Sempai? I recall that it was you who put the disc in to upload the programming," Maya retorted angrily, but soon regretted it when the wave of nausea hit her.

"What went wrong, Dr. Akagi?" Shinji asked, that sense of dread growing inside him again.

"We may have forgotten to program in the rules that prevent IBRC-15 from killing people," Ritsuko said apologetically.

"Opinion: I fail to see the problem," the mechanical man added. "My program states that I should not kill Shinji Ikari, pilot of the Evangelion designated Unit-01, nor should I allow others to terminate him."

There was an awkward pause.

"D-doctor Akagi?" Shinji asked as he slowly edged towards the door. "I'm scared."

"Reassurance: Do not worry, Master, I will not deliberately use you as a shield."

"…that doesn't exactly put me at ease…" the pilot muttered. "You don't have to worry about me, Robot-san, I don't need a bodyguard of your… skill."

IBRC-15 would have smiled if it could. "Statement: You are one of the more important meatbags in Tokyo-3: you require a protector willing to use excessive force as a deterrent."

"D-d-deterrent?" Shinji asked, still backing away slowly from the obviously psychotic robot.

"Yes. If the meatbags see that they will be slaughtered for trying to harm my master, then there is a good chance that they will reconsider. It is a variation on the 'Least harm' theory. Opinion: Use of Least Harm theory in this situation is a complete waste of time," the mechanoid added.

"Wait! If it's a complete waste of time, why did you suggest it?" Maya asked, confusion written on her face.

"Because the psychological profile supplied for my master mentions that he does not like to see others suffer. My programming dictates that I should at least try to satisfy my master's wishes, even if the concept of pacifism seems so wrong to me," IBRC-15 answered. "Statement: We have wasted enough time discussing this situation, it is time for me to find some weapons. Ranged combat is the best solution – there is less chance of becoming contaminated by the debris of your targets."

"'Contaminated by debris'?" Ritsuko repeated incredulously.

"Demand: Enough of this discussion, we are causing distress to my master," the robot ordered. "Master, I will escort you home via the armoury. Do not worry; we will get you some heavy-duty body armour."

"O-ok," the young Ikari agreed hesitantly. He flinched when the droid placed a hand on his shoulder. "Please don't hurt me."

"Statement: Hurting my master would not prove as amusing as causing massive amounts of damage to career criminals," IBRC-15 said with a tone of honesty its synthesised voice. The robot raised his head as if in thought. "My wireless data access has revealed something interesting. Perhaps I could inflict some bodily harm to one Gendo Ikari?"

"The Commander? Why would you want to hurt him?" Ritsuko asked reaching for her cigarettes.

"Answer: He has a stupid beard," the mechanoid answered.

"That's no reason to kill a man!" Maya protested.

"Statement: It is not a reason to allow him to live, either. Query: What did you mean when you said 'I'm sorry for the mix up, it's just that you look a lot like something from my childhood'?" IBRC-15 asked using a recording of Shinji's own voice.

"I had a robot friend when I was a kid. He looked just like you and said that he'd kill any monsters that threatened me," Shinji replied. "He also told me to never tell people about him, or he'd have to go away forever. The last time I saw him was just before my 8th birthday. Just disappeared and I thought that I was just an imaginary friend that kids have."

"Statement: Your story contains anecdotal evidence that I am your childhood fiend, yet this cannot be true as I was only just recently activated. Conclusion: It is merely a coincidence until conclusive evidence to the contrary is provided." The droid paused for a moment. "Observation: It is a suitable timeframe for meatbags to ingest food. I will escort my master to the dining area."

Shinji suddenly found himself being marched towards the NERV cafeteria by a mechanical man that he had little doubt would be the death of him.

* * *

Misato Katsuragi had heard about that Shinji was in the cafeteria and made her way there to see the young man that looked after her and her apartment.

What the tactical officer didn't expect to see was a gold coloured robot sitting next to Shinji while he ate. Nor did she expect to hear the droid's comment of: "Query: Who is the purple haired meatbag that is approaching us? Is she a viable target?"

"What is this, some kind of prank from Ritsuko?" the captain demanded.

"Introduction: I am IBRC-15, Shinji Ikari's bodyguard and servant. Query: Who are you and want do you want?"

"I'm Misato Katsuragi, I'm Shinji's superior officer. I want to know what's going on here," the purple haired beauty replied, her hand snaking towards her sidearm.

"Statement: I am waiting for the order from my master to kill someone," IBRC-15 said in an annoyed tone.

Misato didn't like that and pulled out her pistol and chambered a round. As she brought it to bear on the mechanoid, she flicked the safety catch off.

"Observation: SIG P228, 9mm Parabellum round with a magazine capacity of twelve rounds. Query: Is your weapon loaded with jacketed hollow points? Opinion: If it is, you will have great difficulty causing me sufficient damage to incapacitate me before I remove your spinal column," the mechanical man said as it advanced on the armed woman.

"This has gone on for long enough, so whoever's pulling this prank better confess now before someone gets shot," Katsuragi warned as she cocked the hammer back to show her intent.

"Misato, this isn't a joke! Ritsuko built IBRC-15 to protect me," Shinji insisted. "It's just that someone made a slight mist-"

IBRC-15 turned to glare at the pilot.

"Miscalculation and he's a bit too enthusiastic when it comes to dealing with threats to me," the young Ikari said rather quickly. "Please don't hurt Misato-san."

The bloodthirsty droid turned back to Misato and stepped closer to her. "Query: Are you sure, Master? Is this meatbag special to you?"

"Misato-san's my friend! She was kind enough to let me move in with her," the pilot explained, having leapt between the two.

"Conclusion: You are 'shacking up' with this female meatbag. Statement: Cursory research indicates that she is considered attractive amongst you humanoids," IBRC-15 said. "Negotiation Tactic: I require weapons to do my duty; preferably anti-material rifles with a high rate of fire. I will put Meatbag Katsuragi in the classification as you, Master – do not kill and try to avoid maiming – if I can get some firepower."

"…" Misato blinked. "This is some kind of joke, isn't it? I mean tell me now, and I won't be angry. But if you continue this farce, I will cause all involved much pain and suffering."

"Query: Is Meatbag Katsuragi trying to seduce me?" the mechanoid asked, its head tilted to the right. "Exclamation: Eww! I do not engage in such filthy activities as sex with meatbags. Advice: Do not suggest such things again if you want to remain in possession of all of your body parts."

Ritsuko rushed into the cafeteria, hoping that her latest project wasn't instigating a bloodbath.

"Misato! Don't shoot the robot!"

"What? Why not?" the increasingly irate captain asked.

"Because it's the only one of those that we've got and it's worth a fortune!" the bottle blonde replied as she struggled to get her breath from the unexpected exercise.

"So you're responsible for thing?" Misato asked, venom dripping from her words.

"Yes, but it's to protect Shinji-kun!" the scientist insisted. "Besides, any flaws in the behavioural software are your fault for insisting we partied last night."

"… You have got to be shitting me, Ritsuko! You can't blame me for this thing plotting a murderous rampage!"

"Statement: I was not plotting a murderous rampage. Though I am now."

All eyes in the room turned towards IBRC-15.

"Query: What?"

"I think that you're making people a little bit uncomfortable, IBRC-15," Shinji explained with a sweatdrop.

"Statement: The comfort of the other meatbags is irrelevant, Master," the robot replied. "Query: Where can I find more information about your childhood friend, Master?"

"Err, it's kind of embarrassing," the pilot said evasively.

"Master, I will keep anything secret that you want me to. Even if I have to make the streets run red with the blood of your enemies," the mechanical man said with an unhealthy amount of enthusiasm. "Request: Please, Master, allow me to slaughter your enemies in a pre-emptive strike."

The ambient noise in the cafeteria dropped to nothing.

"I don't think that will be necessary, IBRC-15. I mean, people around here are pretty good at keeping things private," Shinji insisted. "Isn't that right, Misato-san?"

"Yes," the purple haired woman nodded, not taking her eyes off the suspicious droid. "Besides, Shinji-kun doesn't have any enemies."

"Statement: What a gyp. I feel somewhat redundant."

"You know, it's not a bad thing that you don't have to kill people," Ritsuko replied.

"Aside: Maybe not for you."

"…"

"Query: When will my master commence his next training session?" the robot asked. "I believe that he needs to be at peak preparedness for his role as pilot of Evangelion Unit-01."

"That's true," the bottle blonde agreed. "I suppose that we could have a sync test this afternoon. I don't think we've tested you so soon after a meal, so it'll be a good variable to consider, since we don't know when we're going to have to send you into battle."

* * *

To be continued? 


End file.
